Comments on: Hey, Jealousy

By: Kim

Kim — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 00:24:28 +0000

Love the photo!

By: Matt The Bat

Matt The Bat — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 20:06:04 +0000

Yes, yes, yes and no, not really. Men are territorial. While no man has any business holding it against another man for having a relationship with his current SO, that man probably does anyway; that the man in question is likely in the past and not around as a reminder, is the only thing that saves the day. However, if that other man is part of the friendship circle, then the BF not only has to be constantly reminded of the potential relationship that occurred, but he has to worry, with every hug, every smile, every gesture of closeness, however innocent it may (or may not) be, about being replaced. I’ll give you an example; I dated a girl who, after a week or so, confessed to me as to having made out with a man she barely knew while out drinking in the city one night. This was after she and I met but before our relationship crossed over into the intimacy stage. I didn’t know the dude, wasn’t likely to meet him, and besides, she confessed of her own volition, so I figured it all meant greater integrity on her part. Gave me pause, but I didn’t hold it against her. Another example; my wife once, before we met, went on a date with her brother-in-law’s brother. They didn’t hit it off. As such, I shouldn’t care. But doggone it, I do. Every family gathering, when they hug in greeting, I want to use the guy’s face as a scouring pad to clean that grease spot in my garage. He’s an okay guy, I guess, but that doesn’t change the fact that he once had an idea in his head to lay an intimate hand on my wife. As for your friend, I’m not trying to judge her. No one can be as naïve as to imagine their SO hasn’t had flings in their past. God knows, I’m no saint in that regard. But not only did she lie when confronted, but there must have been something he saw between them that aroused his suspicions enough to enquire in the first place. She had her chance at that time to come clean, and offer any reassurances she could about the “done-ness” of the encounter. Then it’s his choice, and on him if he chooses not to trust. Furthermore, the whole “we stopped before we went too far” thing is an iffy assertion at best, especially when alcohol is involved. If they did go all the way, she’s being dishonest about that, too, and now she’s just trying to soften the blow. Because he’s being bombarded with all these red flags, and the dishonesty crosses into the realm of what did or did not happen, I feel he has every right to be pissed, and hold her and the relationship seriously in question. And he can’t really take anything she says from here on out as truth, either. Sure, he could be more understanding, know his self-worth and be secure in himself, realize she’s not his “property,” blah blah blah. None of that matters when a person feels betrayed.

By: Str4y

Str4y — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:03:47 +0000

Okay, because this blog keeps ‘reloading’ on me, I wasn’t going to comment due to the shear frustration I’ve been experiencing…but there seems to be some serious controversy going on here, so I’ve decided (as usual) to contribute.

I don’t support lying — I feel that, in general, honesty is really the basis of a stable relationship…however, I have had boyfriends myself that get jealous if another guy so much as looks at me. Sometimes you feel like you can’t share certain things without starting a fight, and she had a pre-existing promise to consider as well.

I suppose the crux of what I want to say is…just because you are in a relationship, that doesn’t make you the other person’s property. You have the right to share as little or as much as you feel comfortable sharing…if you don’t open up, the relationship might not gain the depth that a good relationship should have…but a person’s partner shouldn’t have the right to demand to know everything about their SO’s past. There are some things that one doesn’t want to go into early on in a relationship. Some people are more private people or take longer to trust. Given time, and a solid foundation, these things can be discussed, and should be accepted and shared as a part of the past — not the basis for a blow-up. There are certainly things I wouldn’t share with someone I had just started dating…but might, once the person had become a more permanent and important fixture in my life.

By: Johnalyn

Johnalyn — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 01:30:08 +0000

Ok, so I have to say,..I see the point all the boys are making. And would the boyfriend even had brought this up if there wasn’t some “leftover” chemistry there that he noticed?
On the other hand, she should have set firmer boundaries. Don’t ask, don’t tell, so to speak. And the “coming clean”? She should have kept it to herself if it really wasn’t such a big deal. That truth telling was only to make her feel better. And look what it got her.
Theres nothing wrong (but nothing too right, either) with making out with a friend when you are both single. Just decide that its no ones buisness but your own. Period.

By: Honesty in Relationships – Wine Country Mom - Santa Rosa Mom - Santa Rosa, CA - Archive

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:21:23 +0000

[...] a comment in my last blog about Jealousy, Chris wrote in to talk about his own problems with a lying girlfriend, and the suffering he [...]

By: WineCountry.Mom

WineCountry.Mom — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 22:50:38 +0000

Not a man hater, I promise. Hey, I love you guys! I admit that I was harsher on Jen’s boyfriend than I was on Jen about lying to her boyfriend. And I agree that her lie was a really immature way to handle a sticky topic that she should have fessed up about in the first place. But in this issue, I really do believe that the reason for the lie needs to be addressed.

At any rate, not to totally plug my own blog, but there will be more on Honesty and Trust coming up soon.

By: chris

chris — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:31:08 +0000

Hey, Integrity!

I went through the same situation. My ex lied. I suspected it. It ate away at me until I called her on it. Months of horrible suffering, for nothing. I loved her. She left me wondering if I got a small glimpse of an even larger integrity problem.

Lies are a slippery slope. If you’re capable of lying just because you can get away with it…where are you going to end up? 4 marriages & 10 male role models later, you’re going to wonder why your kids don’t respect you.

I find that I’m more comfortable with women who have come to terms with their sexuality. If you don’t want to get into details about your sexual history, it’s easy enough to say. Either define some boundaries, or be open about it. Get some backbone, get some integrity & you might just find a lasting relationship. Guys appreciate those qualities!

IMHO, you need to reevaluate how you treat people, and what you’re advocating in your blog. Sometimes I groove with what you’re saying. Other times I’ve thought you’re a cheerleader for man haters.

PS> You have no idea if your friend had sex, or just kissed the other guy. You also have no idea whether she is still getting some on the side. She’s a liar, so taking her word at face value is out of the question for most rational people.

By: James

James — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 17:35:15 +0000

The boyfriend has every right to be upset. She had no right to bring him into that fold of people and ask him to accept them as her friends while hiding the fact that she had “hooked up” with one of them. Boyfriend has every right to know those details and certainly has a right to not hang out with “other guy”. By not saying anything she’s put “boyfriend” into a very awkward position. If she mentioned it right away this wouldn’t be an issue. The deception is the real kicker.

By: Brian

Brian — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 06:44:54 +0000

Maybe Jenny’s boyfriend has a different side to the story….there are two sides to every story. This “jackass” may have a reason why he doesn’t trust her….maybe this isn’t the first time?