What do I want? That was the question that first popped into my head when I was ready to get back into the world of relationships. What do I want? And how am I going to get that kind of man? I had no idea how to meet people. It seemed like the whole world was already paired up and that I was more alone as a single woman than just being single. I was shy and unsure of myself, I felt just like an infant in all of this. The thought of going out and meeting someone new terrified me. But I really wanted to be a part of the world of couples, so it was in my best interest to step outside of my comfort zone.

Online dating was the natural first step. It was easy and it required nothing of me just to look and get a feel for it. Of course, I had my reservations about online dating. If I actually met someone and we hit it off, would I be able to tell people comfortably that we had met online? (One guy I met actually told me that we should make up a story of a party we met at rather than saying we met online.) And what kind of men were out there? If they couldn’t meet a woman in real life, would I really want to date them? Yes, I totally realized the irony of that thought….. But still, I had nowhere to turn at the moment. So one night after the kids went to bed, I turned on the computer, found a picture of myself that looked halfway decent, and created a profile on Yahoo Personals.

(There is something scary about creating something so public on an online dating site. The very first thought is, ‘what if someone sees me on here?’ Not just the Prince Charmings I was hoping to attract, but friends or family members that might be on that site as well. Would they make fun of me? Worse, would one of them “wink” at me? I just had to pray that my profile was only visible to perfect strangers…..)

A click of the button and my profile was complete. Now it was onto perusing the available men. Looking through the personals on an online dating site is kind of like ordering what you want off a menu. “Let’s see, I’ll have the 5’10” brown haired 36 year old with a side of humor and a big helping of sensitivity. Oh, and can you leave off the domineering side and lack of goals, and instead add a good job and respect for his mother? Oh, and I’ll also take an iced tea.” There are pages upon pages of profiles to be searched. You can refine your search to just include singles in your general area, or maybe categorized by certain interests they hold. Your search page can include a little bio about each of them, or you can just look at pictures of the singles and click on the one you find most attractive. Some were obvious attempts at booty calls, even blatantly spelling it out in their profiles. The biggest giveaways were singles who stated that they were looking for someone to hang out with, but not really looking for a relationship. Others just cut to the chase and spelled out between the sheets action they were hoping to get out of first dates.

Tempting, but think I’ll pass….

The biggest complaint about online dating is the games that are played. Having a computer screen between two seeking singles creates the illusion that there are no feelings involved. After all, it’s not like this is the real world, right? One of the most common complaints has to do with the game of hide and seek. You meet a guy, you hit it off through emails, everything is going great. You’re getting ready to finally break the ice and suggest an in-person meeting, when POOF! He disappears into thin air with no explanation at all. Emails will go unanswered. There isn’t even a courtesy, “I’m just not that into you.” I had far more respect for men that would email me that they had met someone and were interested in pursuing her, than I did for the men who ducked and covered and headed for the hills. I found it easier to just pretend that they found residence on the moon. And I’m happy for them, really. I mean, how many people actually get to move to the moon?

At first I really didn’t understand this behavior. I mean, how cowardly can you be? A friend of mine put it into clarity. It didn’t work out with a girl he had begun dating from online, and he let her know that he just wasn’t interested. Suddenly, she was everywhere. She emailed him constantly. And whenever he checked his online dating site, she was there. His phone received numerous texts and calls from her. She even called him at his work! He finally had to take the duck and cover approach and just wait for her to cool it and disappear herself. If a guy (or girl) experiences online stalking enough, they are probably going to treat every other prospect like this as well. I mean, there is only a computer screen between the two of you. Until you meet, you are just a photograph with some words printed under it.

In all actuality, online dating wasn’t as bad as I had cracked it up to be. Once I got beyond the games, the endless emails that never resulted in actual dating, the sexist pigs, the losers, the chronically lonely, and the men who treated their cats like children, I actually met some really nice men. Yes, some were duds that looked nothing like their picture. (More on that to come in the Blog Secrets Forum….) But some were very charming and easy to laugh with. Besides, if you are getting over a break-up, it really is a bit of a pick-me-up to partake in a bit of man shopping.

I did come to the conclusion that online dating just wasn’t for me, however, if I wanted to meet the right man. I’m not saying that to knock online dating. I know of several happily married couples that met online originally. But for me, it just felt too canned. However, it served its purpose. The biggest thing I got out of online dating? Confidence. It catapulted me back into the world of dating, and it helped me to see that I really was the kind of person that could captivate the right man’s attention. It fast forwarded dating issues like meeting, first kisses, getting to know each other, break ups…. It was basically a crash course in dating 101, and set me onto the path of “real life” dating – meeting people through friends, reconnecting with old friends, or meeting people on my own. (By the way, singles exist in more places than bars. They can be in your workplace, at a friend’s get together, or even at your child’s sporting events or back to school night. And when all else fails, a good friend is someone who is willing to set you up with someone they know who might be perfect for you – and that only happens if you spread the word that you are willing to be set up.)

If you do go the route of online dating, there are a few things to remember:

Who are you? Don’t just list a bunch of qualities you are looking for in a man. That tells nothing about who you are! You might as well just post your Christmas Wishlist. Instead, talk about YOUR interests, YOUR passions, the things that make YOU tick. I promise you, this will draw in a lot more fish than just listing your do’s and don’ts. And while we’re at it –

Make your profile interesting! You don’t need to tell your whole life story. Give them something to intrigue them, but leave out parts that they can find out on their own. Come up with a catchy profile name (just be aware that your name is the first thing they see –first impressions count). And don’t forget the funny! A little humor goes a long way. Just don’t overdo it with a bunch of lame quips.

Leave your kids out of it. Do not post their pictures or tell personal information about them on this site. Remember, ANYONE can see this, even the people you wouldn’t want to. This is your time to find someone for you. Whether they are good for your kids as well is something that takes time through dating in person. There’s no need to post pictures of your kids for potential dates – and pedophiles – to look at.

Pick a flattering photo, several if you have the option. Include a headshot, and maybe one of you doing something fun. This photo should probably include all of your clothes (girls, please leave something to the imagination). And be aware of your surroundings. A cropped picture of you and your now unseen ex-girlfriend is still obviously cropped. Or worse yet, an uncropped picture of you and your ex. Just don’t.

Honesty is the best policy. This is not the time to reinvent your image. Just be yourself. It’s a lot easier, and feels better in the long run. Trust me, if you lie you will get caught. Sure, you may not be as thin as you want or have the job you had hoped to have by now. But if you lie, you ruin the chance of meeting someone who can love you for YOU.

Safety first. Do not believe everything you read or even the photos that you see. Online dating gives people the power to be anyone they want, and some people take that to immoral levels. That photo posted? That could be his best friend or an unknown model. Or it could be him – 15 years ago. Also, do not post or prematurely give out your personal information – including your full name, where you work, where you live, etc. Anything that can be used to find you offline can be potentially dangerous in the wrong person’s hands. And before meeting for the first time, tell a friend when and where you two will be. (See more on Online Dating Safety)

Take your time. Get to know him through the site, then graduate to email. Eventually let emails lead to phone calls. And then, if your gut agrees, meet for a date. The first date should ideally be in the daytime in a public place and WITHOUT ALCOHOL. Remember, while you have by now been talking on the phone, this person is still a stranger. (If you don’t believe me, please re-read Safety First)

Finally, relax. This is supposed to be fun, so don’t make this all about meeting your future husband. The littlest bit of desperation can be detected a mile away. If you are so focused on tomorrow, you will never find the man of your dreams today. So occasionally step away from that computer and go outside and enjoy those things that make you YOU. The times that I have suddenly found myself in a loving relationship have always been when I least expected it and stopped searching for it. It was when I decided that if I were to be single for the rest of my life, I could still be happy. I learned to fall in love with my own independent self. And the joy that radiates from living life that way? That’s attractive.

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