When I first got divorced I swore it would be a long time before I dated again. Having been through such a nightmare towards the end of my marriage, I was done with men for awhile. I was looking forward to being independent and free, to focusing only on my kids, and to learn how to enjoy life as an entity of one. I had this vision of being someone who was strong and glamorous – like a Meryl Streep type character, a woman who didn’t need a man to define her. I wanted to be the very definition of independence. I wanted other single women to look at me and realize that they too weren’t missing anything by not having a man in their lives, that they could be strong, independent, and glamorous even if they weren’t on the arm of a man who loves them. So dating men was put on the back burner indefinitely. I planned on spending many years reinventing myself as the epitome of divorcees, making myself a name as a hip, young single woman.

That lasted two whole months.

In my last entry I wrote that I longed for the little comforts of alone time. And yes, that was true. But the thing you have to understand is that I had just spent the better part of a decade with a friend to stay up with after the kids went to bed, a confidante of all my deepest secrets, an occasional help in the household chores, a warm body in bed at night, and someone to wake up to in the morning. You never feel more alone than you do right after you give all that up, and then wake up in a cold king size bed – all alone.

And yes, I realize that 2 months is barely enough time. In all advice I give, I vehemently insist that newly divorced or single people really need to wait 6 months or more after a long term relationship before moving on to their next conquest. Anything less than that not only impedes the healing process, but runs the risk of a lot of baggage being dumped on their new partner, as well as viewing them as the lover who scorned them. Not to mention that if the newer relationship fails, the heartache hurts far worse on an already broken heart than it does on a healed heart.

I know that now. But back then 2 months felt like an eternity. I missed that constant friend at my side to share my whole life story with. And I missed that warm body next to me at night.

But where was I supposed to meet a man? Living at my parents’ house while I got back on my feet, the men weren’t exactly falling out of the sky. I worked for the family business, just my dad and me, so it wasn’t like I could meet co-workers. And I had my two children with me at all times. It’s kind of hard to get into the game of meeting potential suitors when you are wiping PB & J off a dimpled grin.

And of course I was nervous about dating as a single mom. I mean, I was in my mid 20’s – still young enough that any guys around my age did NOT have kids, and probably had never dated anyone with kids. Was I now totally washed up? Would any guy I dated go running for the hills once I mentioned my extra baggage? I could just imagine the very first date….

I thought about telling him it at the end of the date…..

IV (for Innocent Victim): I had a really good time tonight. And I’d really like to see you again. Can I call you tomorrow?

WC Mom: Well, I am at my son’s soccer game until 6:30, and then I’ll be at my daughter’s band recital till 8. Maybe you could call me at 9 when they are in bed.

IV: Oh….you have kids.

WC Mom: I didn’t mention that? Yeah, I have two.

IV: Um…..ok. Anyway, I’ll call you soon.

WC Mom: Let me give you my number.

IV: Uh, don’t worry about it. If it’s meant to be it will come to me.

Or maybe I should mention it at the beginning of the date….

IV: Hi! I’m IV, can I buy you a drink?

WC Mom: Why yes, thank you. I’m Crissi. Oh and I have two kids.

IV: Oh, I just remembered I was meeting my girlfriend here. Nice meeting you Crissi.

Perhaps I should just cut to the chase…..

IV: Hi! I’m IV, can I buy you a drink?

WC Mom: It depends. How are you with kids? Do you like them? Do you want to be a dad someday? Would you like to be my kids’ dad? Here are there pictures. Look, if you squint a little, it even looks like he has your eyes. Wait…where are you going?????

Um…..maybe forget to mention it?

IV: I can’t believe we’ve only been dating for 7 months! I feel like I’ve known you my whole life!

WC Mom: I know, IV, it really has been gre—

Kid 1: Mom! Where’s the toilet paper! We’ve run out in the upstairs bathroom.

IV: Um, who was that?

WC Mom: Oh, no one. Where were we —

Kid 2: Don’t worry Mom! I’ll give it to him!

IV: Now who’s that?

WC Mom: It’s just the neighbors. Don’t worry about it. Anyway —

Kid 1: Hey! Get out of the bathroom!

Kid 2: Ew! It reeks in here!

Kid 1: What do you expect? I’m going poop!

Kid 2: What the heck did you eat?

Kid 1: The same thing you ate, Taco Bell because Mom didn’t want to mess up the kitchen by cooking.

Kid 2: Oh yeah, she has that guy over here. Bet he’s a loser.

Kid 1: Yeah, a stinky loser.

Kid 2: Kind of like this bathroom.

Kid 1: Mom!!!! Get her out of here!!!

WC Mom: I’ll be right back…..um….to check on the neighbors. And then we can talk more about how well you…..know me.

…..

In reality, the more I thought about it the more I realized that that my fears weren’t even really about telling a new guy that I had kids. I was projecting one of many fears onto someone I had never even met, believing that every single guy would bolt as soon as kids were mentioned. The simple truth was that I was a mom. My life had been transformed since having children. If I was going to meet someone who could potentially be in my life, he needed to understand that. If he didn’t, then he really didn’t belong with me, and I didn’t belong with him. What I realized was that I was really scared of A) not even knowing WHERE to meet a guy, B) being rejected for more reasons than just being a mom, and C) ending up alone for the rest of my life. And those were the REAL basis of my fears.

And when to tell this future somebody that I’m a mom? This is one of those delicate situations where timing is everything, and so is the delivery. If you tell the guy that you have kids as if this were a negative point, you will send the guy running.  What a turn off!  It won’t be because you have kids, it will be because of your attitude about it.  And if you go up to someone and just blurt out that you have kids, it can come as a shock. For some guys dating a woman with children is a non-issue. For others this is a red flag to get the hell out of there. But it’s really hard to know the difference when you’ve just sprung something that big on him. Just meeting for the first time? Let him get to know you. But somewhere before that first kiss, the most important people in your life should probably be mentioned. Let him have the chance to get to know you as YOU, but then let him know that a big part of you cares for little beings that depend on your every decision.

At any rate, there was still that little problem of how to meet guys. I was not exactly the most outgoing of people. I hadn’t dated in 10 years, and back then I was just a teenager. The rules had changed considerably, and so had the places to meet guys. Back then I just met people at school. Well, school days were long past, and now people were meeting in bars. And truthfully, I hadn’t really been in very many bars so I wasn’t really sure I wanted to meet anyone there to bring home. What I needed to do was to boost my self esteem and jumpstart myself into the dating game. So I did the only thing I could think of.

I tested the waters by posting an ad on an online site.

More on that to come……

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Tags dating, Single Parenting, WC Mom stories | Category Adventures in Single Parent Dating, Single Parenting