“How did you find time to date as a single mom?” Mr. Wonderful asked me one evening as we took in the stars on his back porch. I love that we can have these kinds of conversations, understanding that there was life before the two of us became a couple. And it was a valid question. My ex was not in the picture for much of my single parenting life. Due to circumstances, I was on my own, the kids in my care 100% of the time. I did not have a break except for when I went to work. My parents picked up the slack for after school care, so by the time I came to pick the kids up there was no way they were up for more hours of babysitting. I was scrimping to make ends meet, so I couldn’t really get a babysitter. And there was no joint custody, so day in and day out there was just me playing mom and dad to two kids who I loved immensely – and who also held the keys to know just what drives mom the craziest.

When you are both mom and dad, you just kind of cope. There really is no other choice. At first it’s painful. You wish more than anything that there was someone who could just take the kids for a few hours so that you can get something done – or even just take a long, hot bath in a silent house. Dating? Ha! Sure I was lonely, and I craved those kinds of intimacies and friendships that you can only get out of a romantic relationship. But more than desiring companionship, I longed to be able to go to a bookstore and peruse the aisles for hours without a kid telling me he was bored. Or I longed to go grocery shopping without my daughter putting multiple items in the cart and whining when I said “no”. I wanted to be able to read a book cover to cover, or even just the newspaper all the way through in the morning. I wanted to be able to sleep until I woke up in the morning instead of having two hungry kids knocking on my door wondering what was for breakfast. I wanted to know what it felt like to come straight home after work and have toast for dinner if that’s what I felt like eating. Frankly, I wanted alone time.

But a funny thing happens when you’ve been mom and dad for awhile. It becomes the norm. I could plan out a whole weekend of activities for the kids and not have to worry about getting them back at a certain time because the other parent was waiting for his turn. I could set up a whole routine for the kids, and it was comforting to them to know that there was consistency. Every weekend we planned at least one fun thing to do out of the house – going to the beach, the park, a friend’s pool, roller skating, coffee (hot chocolate) at a coffee shop…… Once a week we enjoyed a candle lit dinner just to make it more special. And a couple times a week we turned off the TV and had a good old fashioned game of High Stakes Poker (hey, you’d hold onto the M & M’s too if your mom didn’t generally allow you to have candy). Rules were enforced and remembered because it was only my rules they had to deal with. Every day was the same, more or less. There were no disappointments by another parent’s last minute plans that got in the way of their visit with him, because there was no visit to begin with. And I learned to accept the situation. He wasn’t around, and might never be around, and the best way to deal with it, was to DEAL WITH IT. Any plans I made included them. If they couldn’t come, I didn’t go. And that became ok with me. I developed a routine where I would wake up extra early in the morning just to have a few precious quiet moments, just me and my coffee, before the kids woke up. I scheduled housecleaning around our quality time, doing quick pick-ups of the house after they had gone to bed, and sometimes picking up the slack in the morning.

But I’m not going to lie, there was still that longing to get some free time. No matter how accepting of the situation I was, there was still a need to get a day to myself. And I wasn’t the only one in this boat. My single mother friend had just moved in with her boyfriend of several years. They lived in a tiny apartment, the two of them and her 2 year old daughter. And while she got breaks now and then to go out when he stayed in and watched her daughter, they never really got time to enjoy each other’s company alone without a 2 year old in tow.

Enter the babysitting co-op.

We came up with a brilliant plan to help each other out. One day a week I would take her daughter so that my friend and her beau could have a date night. And one night on the weekend, they would take my munchkins. At first I did just what I had been longing to do. I went to a bookstore and sipped a hot chocolate while perusing book after book. I cleaned my whole house and then took a long, luxurious bath. I sat in a coffee shop and listened to live music. I saw a couple shows at the Wells Fargo Center. I ate toast for dinner. And when I had gotten my fill of those desires…..

…..I dated.

Stay tuned for part two – when to tell a potential date that you’re a mother.

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