When kids are young, we as moms become totally immersed in motherhood. Suddenly everything is about the kids. It is our tendency to go from being totally involved in ourselves, our work, our marriage, and our friendships – to being involved solely in our kids. Upon the arrival of these little beings, our whole world suddenly revolves around them. And it is hard to break away from that.

I was no exception. For most of my married life, I was a stay at home mom. I volunteered at my daughter’s preschool. I carted the kids every single place I needed to go. I gave up going out at night in favor of staying with the kids. I gave up my personal interests and dreams one by one as interests and dreams that wrapped around them took their place. I was a mom. That was my name, my identity, and my world. Most days the kids were the only beings on earth that heard my voice. I’m not saying that this is how it is supposed to be in motherhood, or even that most moms suddenly mutate into this being that resembles gray more than any other color. But that’s what happened to me.

For me, it took a divorce to shake me out of the clutches of “hermitting” into motherhood. It was jarring when my kids spent their first weekend away from me with their dad. I knew that I was aching to have a break, to not have to worry about anyone other than myself. But once that happened I had no idea what to do with myself. How did I survive before the kids came along? What did I do with myself and my time? Suddenly there were too many hours in the day, and the world was much too quiet. I knew I needed to do something with this time that was being gifted to me, but what? I didn’t have a lot of friends, having let a lot of friendships go to the wayside as my focus changed. And I really hadn’t done much else but kids’ activities in the past several years.

I needed a plan.

That first weekend I cleaned. And I sat and read a book. And I spent a lot of time in quiet. And I felt utterly bored. The second weekend was much of the same. I realized that I needed to get out of the house and do something that I wouldn’t normally be able to do with the kids in tow to make my time feel well spent. So one evening after dropping the kids off with their father, I headed to the bookstore instead of heading home. To this day, the smell in a bookstore is comforting to me. It brings back memories of a time when I was emerging as Crissi, a person that was not only a mom, but also a being of herself. Being out without kids, sipping my chai while immersed in some novel was bringing me back into the social world, even if I was doing it alone. From going to bookstores, I started to go see live music at Aroma’s, watch movies by myself at the Rialto, and take myself out to dinner at Lyon’s.

Let me pause for a second and stress the significance of going to all of these places on my own. We live in a world of couples. Whether it is a group of friends, two lovers, or a family, social outings are mostly comprised of two or more people. So imagine the discomfort I was suddenly feeling, having left coupledom and not having my kids as security blankets, as I ventured away from the house. Imagine the first few moments of a date when the other person is running late and you are left at the table all by yourself as you wait. This is what it was like. I felt like every eye was on me and judgment was being passed. There was no one sitting next to me in the movie theater. I had no one facing me as I ate my dinner. And no one clapped with me at the end of the music set at the coffee shop. There was no conversation, or even shared silence. There was only me. It was definitely uncomfortable. And I wholeheartedly encourage anyone, single or married, to experience it for themselves.

Going out by myself prompted a confidence and independence in me that I had lost somewhere along the way. I learned what it was that I liked as Crissi. I didn’t have to worry about someone else’s opinion, or about filling someone else’s needs. I call this phase my “Selfish” phase, as it was my goal to become selfish in these moments. When my life’s purpose had become catering to those around me, I needed to learn the fine art of being selfish. And doing things by myself allowed me to do just that and be completely unapologetic about it.

Eventually I was able to leave my cocoon and reacquaint myself with old friends while making new. And I regained my confidence in society and was able to let go of my hermitting habits – except when necessary. I really believe I have developed a healthy balance between being a mother of my kids and also having some free time, and having all the pieces of me fit together neatly so that I feel the most like me in every situation.   But I look back on those first days with nostalgia, a mousy brown haired girl perusing books at the local bookstore, knowing that it all started there. A girl with her chai. Her nose in a book. Peeking out at the world.

Be Sociable, Share!

•