When I was first getting a divorce, it was both of our intention that things be as friendly as possible. And at first, we were. We were polite and cordial to each other, having read all the books that said the same thing over and over: DO NOT BADMOUTH THE OTHER PARENT TO THE KIDS. Even the courts have a standardized speech that is given at the beginning of the session where the judge talks about parents who are wasting their time and money and the courts time over petty bullcrap that really results in hurt feelings that each party wants vindicated through stuff. And the only people getting hurt? The children. We were adamant that this would not be us. If my car broke down, I could call him and he would help. If the kids weren’t behaving for him, he could talk to me and I would give him advice. We tried. We really, really tried. But feelings got in the way, anger ensued, and we failed at what we started out trying to do and ended up in a nasty battle that left all of us broken.

I have a friend who is going through his own divorce. And looking at all sides of it, it should be really nasty. But you know what? It isn’t. They are only a year into it and they still talk about each other with warmth and care. To listen to him talk about his ex-wife is like listening to him talk about a friend. They go to their son’s games and recitals together, they still meet once a week to do the bills together, and they split all costs and responsibilities down the middle. They are adamant in putting their son first, and a big part of that depends on them getting along and making this transition as easy as possible for their son. And the amazing thing is that they have both moved on with other people, and yet they still maintain a friendship between them. I have never heard this man badmouth his ex-wife, to me or his girlfriend, or to his son. And while I don’t know his ex-wife, judging by the ease of this process, I am willing to bet she has maintained the same composure. Sure, there are hard times. There is hurt, and anger, and sadness over a marriage that failed to meet both of their expectations. But there is also an understanding that there is more to this story than them. And as a result, they have a son who is sure of himself and happy, and is not carrying the weight of their decision on his shoulders.

This is what it looks like when co-parenting works.

I moved into the condo I am living in now just about 2 years ago. A week after I moved in, I got a new next door neighbor. With him came a sweet little girl around the age of 7, and three older teenage boys. The house was always full of life from the sounds of kids bounding up and down the stairs and skateboarding in front of our homes. Occasionally we would hang out on warm nights, it being too hot to stay inside the stuffy houses. And he told me that the boys were not his sons. His ex-wife lived just several condos down the way, and the boys would spend time equally at his house and at hers. Their biological father wasn’t really around much, and in the time that my neighbor had been married, he had filled the father role for these boys. They still called him dad. And never once did he complain about the amount of food they were consuming or the increase in housework from their presence, or even over the fact that he had to rent a larger place just to accommodate a bunch of boys that weren’t even his. To him, they were his. Even though he had divorced their mother, even though he and their mother had only been married a short time in retrospect, these boys were his. And nobody could take that away from him. On some nights she would even go over to his condo just to catch up and touch base, talking about the children and then moving on to their own personal lives. She confided in me once that she had a hard time keeping relationships because the men she dated could not understand how an ex-marriage could still produce a friendship.

“Truth is, we make better friends now than we did when we were married,” she told me. “And I’m not willing to give that up.”

And she shouldn’t have to. It would be wonderful if all divorces could end up that friendly, where the past is left in the past and where they have control over the positive nature of their future. It would be wonderful if marriages that are dissolving still held on to that union where the kids they once made in love still felt that love from both sides, and never felt pressured to choose who they were loyal to.

It has been five years since my marriage ended. In those five years there have been some serious downsides as we made mistake after mistake. And over the last two years, the two of us have worked furiously at righting those wrongs and getting back to the path of loving our children together even as we lead separate lives. And for the most part, we have succeeded in just that. We can now have conversations about the kids without straying to topics that are off limits. We can compare notes and support each other in our parenting when issues come up. We can stay in each other’s presence for longer periods of time, and can even laugh with each other. Do we ever fail? Of course. We’re human. There are times when our ideas are so different and we just want the other person to back down. But we have learned that it is better to end the conversation and come back to it later rather than keep at it till things get ugly.

In some instances, like in my friend’s case, co-parenting doesn’t work. If the father, or the mother, is not willing to stick around and put their child first, or if the situation is so volatile that the child is being put in more harm than anything else, co-parenting is not the answer. It is then that it is best if there is only one parent to raise that child. It is far better than forcing a situation where the child will end up feeling torn and confused, and grow up insecure and feeling unloved and forgotten. My friend’s decision has allowed her daughter to become very confident and independent, and there is no question that she feels loved.

But it is very true that a child deserves two parents, and that it is best when a divorced couple can put aside their differences to give their child just that. A child of divorce is still a part of these two people, and should never be separated from that bond. The very best decision a former couple can make is to actively continue working at co-parenting their children. In the end, it will give everyone peace of mind.

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