When Co-Parenting Fails
I have a friend who has a 4 year old that was the product of a fling gone wrong. Upon finding out that she was pregnant she realized that he would not be a good father for her daughter, but that she wanted to go through with the pregnancy. She gave him the option of stepping out of her life, and never having to support this child one bit. In return, he was to agree to stay out of her child’s life as well. He took the offer and ran.
My friend’s daughter does not know that her real father exists. Someday she’ll know. But at 4 years old, she knows my friend’s fiancé as her father, a wonderful man who stepped into the daddy role, and who is every bit her father. This little girl has a mommy who made the best decision she could for her, and a daddy who loves her as if she really were his daughter.
And my friend? She has raised her daughter with one set of rules. She does not have someone looking over her shoulder telling her she’s doing it wrong. And she doesn’t have to worry about if she really is doing it all wrong. She doesn’t have to confer with someone else over the big decisions in her child’s life, or worry about what the other parent might be telling her child when she’s not around. She doesn’t have to fool herself into believing a child support check is going to come when she needs it most, or have resentment when it doesn’t come and her child’s daycare bill is still due. She doesn’t have to play the “nice game”, or feel like a failure when nice is no longer a word that can be used to describe the resentments that explode in a single phone call. She doesn’t have to stress over things being done in an entirely different manner than she is comfortable with. She doesn’t have to hear excuse after excuse after excuse about why her child’s father can’t follow through on promises, and how she is less of a person because she doesn’t understand his position. She doesn’t have to plead her case, how she’s had to appear like a duck gliding on the water while paddling furiously underneath. She doesn’t have to force herself to bite her tongue as she mentally recalls all of the struggles she has had to go through to put her child first. And she doesn’t have to hear his multiple excuses about why he CAN’T put his child first. The fact of the matter is, she doesn’t have to talk to him at all. She doesn’t have to expect anything from him. She doesn’t have to rely on him. She doesn’t have to be disappointed by him, nor does she have to comfort her child when she is left with feelings of hurt and anger and sorrow over being let down. Again.
And it’s been hard doing it on her own. I know there were many nights when her daughter was young and they were on their own when she wondered if they would make it, and shed tears over her plight as a single mom without someone to lean on. And I’m certain there is anger over her child’s biological father who is still out there, being daddy now to other kids he has made and is raising. But still, while there are times when I can’t imagine trading places with her struggle, or fathoming her strength to let him walk away from the two of them….
….sometimes I think my friend is the luckiest person in the world.
Category Co-Parenting
Single-parenting it since 2004.
My mom made the opposite decision when I came into the world. She HAD been with my dad for longer than the length of a fling, but she knew his habits and limitations and that he wouldn’t fit well into either the role of attentive parent or breadwinner.
He suggested that they get married, due to her me-in-the-oven, and to save me the potential hardship of illegitimacy (which I wouldn’t have minded), she agreed. One repercussion of that choice is that I have been saddled with a truly awful hyphenated last name for my whole life. (People, if you are thinking about going the hyphenated route for your child–DON’T. Trust me.) The other result of her choice was that she had to be both attentive parent AND breadwinner, and not just for her and a child, but for her, a child and a full-grown man.
Don’t get me wrong — my mom loves my dad, and I love him too. Neither of us, however, is blind to his faults and shortcomings. He is smart and charismatic, but he isn’t a good father or a good husband, and by keeping him in her life my mother ended up having to support him all the way into my teens, at which point she finally realized she couldn’t do it anymore.
When the friend you wrote about was making the decision to raise her child without the father’s input, my mom and I discussed both with her, and with each other, how including my father in my upbringing had effected our family, and that if my mom had simply raised me on her own, there are a lot of things about or lives that wold have been easier…and I probably wouldn’t have almost drowned twice;).
Raising a child alone is very very hard. But raising a child with someone who isn’t a very good parent isn’t necessarily any better.
by Str4y
I often struggle with whether it would just be easier if my ex stayed out of the picture altogether, but then I wonder if I’m being selfish. It’s a tough place to be!
by Lauren
I loved this story…I envy the strength your friend had to go it alone, especially in the very early years. Bless her and bless all those other single moms that are raising amazing kiddos on their own.
by Jacqui
not all co-parening is bad.and i go above and beyond my support guidelines,and my child a daughter is first work and other stuff second.its hard to do your part when the other parent has moved on in a reltionship and the partner steps in as parent when her help is not needed,staying home collecting money from the government and crying foul is a cop out and takes from the poeple who do break there backs for there children.i wanna be a stay at home dad but society see’s that as being a dead beat funny how things work huh?i love my dughter and the child is all that matters not all this bickering,gotta go, gotta read my daughter a story before i tuck her in. keep it real people and keep an open mind.not all co-parenting is a night mare,and i if i were giving a choice to step away it wouldnt happen.
by dandlia
So this “friend’s fiancé as her father, a wonderful man who stepped into the daddy role, and who is every bit her father” is allowed no input? What kind of father is that? This story made me feel very sad. What are women thinking?
by Toccata
[...] some instances, like in my friend’s case, co-parenting doesn’t work. If the father, or the mother, is not willing to stick around and put [...]
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